


Midnight Memories

by lovely_lil_lou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, M/M, and eating disorders, based off of thirteen reasons why, im sad when writing this, larry stylinson - Freeform, not the midnight memories youre thinking of, talks about suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovely_lil_lou/pseuds/lovely_lil_lou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The sent bar said it was from Louis Tomlinson. No no no.  That couldn't be. That was impossible.</i><br/> <br/><i>Louis had taken a cocktail of pills and washed it down with a bottle of vodka two weeks ago.</i></p><p> </p><p>Harry didn't know Louis very well. He didn't know why he seemed to like those girls that weren't good for him. He didn't know why he hung out with the wrong people. He didn't know why he didn't tell anyone what he was going through before everything happened. And he didn't know why Louis had taken his own life. He would frequently ask himself the same questions. "Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I try to save him? What could I have done? Why didn't he tell me?" Until one day, when he recieved an e-mail, and he stopped asking questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

The bitter autumn chill pinched aggressively at my cheeks and nose, and I pulled my sweater collar over my face. A breeze ruffled the colorful leaves off of the trees and grayish-purple clouds littered the sky; rain could fall at any moment. Very few people joined me on the sidewalks, giving the town an empty, ghostly feel,  but I didn't mind all that much. Sometimes loneliness was just what I needed to clear my mind of all the thoughts. And lately, keeping to myself seemed like the best idea.  
  
I raised my hands up to my mouth and blew hot, moist air into my palms. It didn't help warm them much, but it didn't matter. My phone vibrated once, signaling that I had gotten an e-mail. I instinctually ignored it, assuming it was just another spam message, or an alert from a shop notifying me of their newest deal.  
  
That was my first mistake.  
  
I managed to make it back home before my toes and fingertips froze, and I quickly greeted my mom and sister before heading up the stairs to my room. Before I could do anything, I shook off my heavy coat and pulled off my sweater, tossing them near the foot of my bed. I covered my top half with a maroon jumper, and swapped my black jeans for a soft pair of gray sweatpants. Pressing the 'on' button on my computer screen, I settled down in my desk chair and pulled my legs up against my chest.  
  
My old iMac struggled to load Google Chrome, but once it did, I began my usual ritual. I had done the same thing every day for the past two months. Facebook first, then Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, and lastly, my e-mail. After an hour and a half of surfing the internet, I had checked everything but my e-mail. Usually I wouldn't even bother, but I had gotten that notification earlier, and I felt obligated.  
  
There were countless numbers of unopened messages from Topman, Urban Outfitters, and other expensive stores that I rarely ever shopped in, and I carelessly deleted those. When I came across the first message, though, it stood out to me. The sent bar said it was from Louis Tomlinson. No no no.  That couldn't be. That was impossible.  
  
Louis had taken a cocktail of pills and washed it down with a bottle of vodka two weeks ago.  
  
My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode, and I couldn't move. I didn't want to open the e-mail. I was scared to open it. What could it even say? Was it some sick joke that someone was trying to pull? Had someone hacked into his email and sent out things to fuck with people's feelings? Because it was really fucking with mine.  
  
"Harry, dinner's ready." Gemma, my sister, yelled, knocking on the wall while she walked past my room to go to the kitchen.  
  
"Okay, I'll be right there." I shouted back at her, looking back at the untouched e-mail before I minimized the tab.  
  
Dinner was alright, but I knew that my mom and sister could see that something was wrong. I pushed spaghetti noodles around my plate and cut them in half, then in fourths. I could feel the judgmental stares coming from my family members, which only made me want to eat less.  
  
"Honey, you really should eat something." My mom commented, spinning her own fork in the middle of her pile of spaghetti noodles.  
  
I knew she was only trying to help, but I didn't want to hear it. After she told me that I should 'get over it because I didn't know him that well anyways', I was one hundred percent done with her and her opinions. I refused to listen to her after that, and I could tell that it hurt her, but I didn't care. She hurt me when she said that, and she needed to know how it felt. Gemma said I was being a bit harsh, but neither of them knew. They didn't know how it felt to lose someone like that.  
  
After eating a total of two bites of food, I decided that I was done with sitting at the table. I grabbed my plate and dumped the leftover food into the trash bin. It fell into the plastic bag with a muffled plop, and I rinsed off my plate and fork with warm water before setting the dirtied dish wear in the sink.  
  
I tromped up the stairs and to my room, shutting the wooden door behind me without even thinking to look back at my mother or sister.  
  
The computer screen had gone black, and it came back to life with a flick of the mouse. Louis' e-mail still sat in my inbox untouched, and I settled down in the desk chair again before clicking on the subject. Well, it said 'no subject' but that was still a subject.  
  
'Hi,' The first line read, and immediately I could feel the tightening in my chest. I could feel my heart sinking. I could feel an invisible hand compressing my airways, and every part of me wanted to stop there. I needed to stop there, but my curiosity overpowered my common sense, and the only thing I wanted to do was keep reading.  
  
'You're probably wondering how this was sent.' Hell yeah I am. 'Don't worry about it. The important thing is this; You click on the link at the bottom of  
this e-mail, and you watch the videos. All of them. If you don't watch all of them, you'll surely regret it.  
  
How would I know if you didn't watch all of them?' You wouldn't, Louis. You're dead. 'I have people to take care of that. Trust me, I'll know. And you'll regret it.'  
  
This really had to be some sick joke. Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes, begging to be released from their holding cells, but I blinked them back. I couldn't cry. This had to be fake.  
  
'Go on now. What are you waiting for? Here's the link. I'll see you there.'  
  
 I didn't click on the link though, because I had to see. I scrolled up to the top of the e-mail to see who else it had been sent to. The only recipient was me.  
  
Running my fingers through my hair, I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the desk. As if I wasn't already fucked up enough, now someone had to go and mess with my mind some more? This was the exact reason why I avoided the kids at school as best I could. I hadn't even done anything to deserve this.  
  
After a minute or two of deep breathing, I figured it would be best to check the link to get the bullshit e-mail out of my mind. Scrolling back to the bottom of the email proved to be difficult. I really wanted to believe that Louis Tomlinson, the beautiful senior boy with gorgeous blue eyes, had actually sent me an e-mail. It was impossible though, and I kept telling myself that as the link began to load in a new tab. It was a YouTube video, a playlist actually, and I grabbed my headphones just in case I would need to plug them in. Instantly, the video loaded and I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't sure how to react, but I could feel the tears coming and this time, I wasn't holding them back. I fumbled with the headphone jack until I managed to properly plug them into my computer. I clicked the pause button at the bottom of the player and rewinded it to the beginning. Tears streamed down my cheeks and ran down my neck as I stuck my headphones in my ears, blocking out any sounds from the world around me. Nothing I had thought about could've prepared me for this. The possibility didn't even cross my mind when I got that fucking e-mail. I still believed this had to be a sick joke, but that idea quickly dissolved when I clicked the play button, and the first thing I saw and heard was an alive and well Louis Tomlinson saying, _Hi, this is Louis Tomlinson. By the time you're watching this, I'm probably long gone, but don't worry. That was my intention._


	2. Introduction // Eleanor Calder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize if it is a bit confusing when louis is talking in the video. im trying to sort out all of the kinks, and figure out the easiest way to see when it's louis. thank you for bearing with me. :-)

'As you know, I, uh... Yeah, I'm dead now.' Every second I kept my eyes on the screen, I wanted to close the tab. I could feel my heart slowly being pulled apart with every word that came from his mouth. A mouth that could no longer talk, because two weeks ago it had swallowed a dangerous dosage of over-the-counter drugs and alcohol.

'Don't be sad about it though. Actually, most of you probably don't even care.'  Was this some sick suicide note? Why would Louis do something like this? 'You're probably wondering why you've received this link. Well... I figured everyone would want an explanation as to why I did this-' I clicked the pause button, and slammed my head down on my desk. I couldn't fathom this. Why. Why would he send this to me? Or rather, why would he have someone send this to me? I had never really gotten to know him, although I really wanted to. Ever since I saw his face for the first time freshman year, I thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I kept it to myself mostly, because I knew if I told anyone how I felt, people would treat me differently. I still hadn't told anyone at the time of Louis' death, and I figured that when Louis died, my little crush would die too.

I was wrong.

Picking my head up from the desk proved to be more difficult than I thought. It felt like a 100-pound weight was hiding in my skull instead of a brain. I blinked a couple of times and stared at the computer screen. Louis was stuck, mid-word, but his face was still so pretty. Before I pressed play, I took a moment to look at the background. I could see a beige wall littered with posters of professional soccer teams and pictures that I assumed were of him and his friends and family. Was everything still as it was before his death? Or were his parents and sisters so mournful that they had to pick apart his room until it was bare? Did they even care as much as I did?

I rubbed my eyes to free any tears that were still trapped, and I pressed the play button again, repositioning my earbuds. '-so I'm giving you a bloody explanation. Here's the catch, I've only dispersed the link to people who have something to do with my leaving.'  I watched as his eyes began to glisten with tears, which only made mine fall more persistently. 'Funny. It sounds like I'm just going on a vacation.' He looked down at his hands and smiled, but I knew that he was crying. 'This isn't going to turn into a sob-fest. I promise. It would get pretty boring if I was crying through twelve stories, yeah?' Twelve? 'Yeah, so maybe twelve is a lot, but if you know me, or knew me, I guess, you would know that twelve is my lucky number.' I already knew that without knowing him. His soccer number was twelve, and he would always make a wish at midnight instead of 11:11. Or, at least that's what he had told me the one night we actually talked to each other.

'And since my lucky number is twelve, it isn't surprising that there's twelve people that got me to this point. And congratulations. If you're watching this, you're one of the twelve.' Wait. No, I never did anything to him. We only spoke to each other once. Well, really spoke to each other. We sometimes saw each other last year at soccer practice, but the Freshman team and Varsity team practiced at different times, and I was bad so no one ever paid attention to me. Except for him.

'I really hope each and every one of you watch these videos all the way through. You never know what I'll say about you, and if one person doesn't do what they're told, all of these are getting changed from unlisted to public, and going right to Facebook.' Devious little shit. What could he possibly say that was bad about anyone? He couldn't. I couldn't see it. He was too nice.

I stared at the screen as he looked down at his hands again, then back up at the camera, flicking his fringe out of his eyes. 'Right then, there should be thirteen videos after this one in the playlist. One for each person, and one conclusion. I suggest you don't skip around, because it can get quite confusing, and if you really cared about me, wouldn't you do what I say?' I would do anything you say, Louis. Even if it was fucking illegal I would do anything you ever told me or asked me to do.

'Well. See you in the next video.' He smiled, somehow, and I buried my face in the collar of my jumper.

This was so fucking crazy. There was no way I could watch these. Did I really want to hear about his life? I felt like I was invading his privacy. I barely even knew him, and he knew virtually nothing about me. I was some dumb sophomore that had a stupid little crush on him, and he was a popular senior, straight A student, and captain of the soccer team. He was gorgeous and had a wonderful personality, and he would have never gone for someone like me. So, how did I supposedly make it into the twelve? Maybe it was a mistake I received these...

I clicked on the second video in the playlist anyways, and I was instantly staring at Louis' beautiful face again. It had gotten brighter in the room, which made me think it was being filmed early in the morning, during sunrise. That didn't surprise me though, from what I frequently saw on his Facebook, he didn't sleep much.

'Hello again.' Hi Louis. You look really pretty in these videos. It just makes me sad, knowing what you'll do after these are all done. 'You're probably dying to know who's gonna be first on the list. Ha,' He smiled and I felt the pinch in my stomach again. 'you actually aren't the one that's dying though. I am.' He picked up a pen and began to mindlessly doodle things on his hand, but I couldn't see what. 'I'm sorry, that really wasn't funny. I should just get on with it.

Uh, yeah. First one I could think of was Eleanor Calder.'

I had to pause the video to take a deep breath. Just the mention of that bitch was enough to make my blood boil. Eleanor was known around school as a slut, and she was arguably the most popular senior. Gemma always told me about the latest gossip at school, and when Louis and El got together sophomore year, it was all anyone in their grade level gossiped about for a week. She was his first kiss, and first other things too (thinking of that made me want to puke). I didn't know him at the time, but I remember a year later, I sat in my room and wished at midnight for that to be me.

Finally, I was able to calm down enough to click the play button, and I watched with a obvious glare on my face.

'El, I'm not sure where to start... Maybe we should go back to when we first met.' I really didn't want to hear about this... It was only going to make me feel worse. But Louis said to watch all of the videos all the way through. So, I had to. 'You and your friend Sophia - Sophia Smith, for those of you that don't know - were at, uh.. Right, it was that one café by the park. I had just met my neighbor Liam, who was around the same age as me.'

Liam... He was a nice lad. He always managed to say hi to me in the hallways, and we even had art together in middle school. He moved away the summer before his sophomore year. It was sad, because he always tried to teach me a thing or two about soccer. He was also really good, and he probably could've been team captain if he would've stayed.

'We decided to go and get tea, and that's where I saw you. You were drinking some sort of latte, and you were sitting in the big leather chairs in the corner with Sophia. Liam spotted you guys and wanted to go talk to Sophia, so I agreed. I thought you were pretty, and since Liam seemed interested in your friend, I figured why not? On our way over, we managed to bump into a table and spill a man's freshly brewed coffee all over his trousers. Liam told me to go, go, go, and so we ran straight out of the store and didn't look back. Even forgot our teas on the table! On the way out though, I heard a laugh. I just had this... This feeling. It had to be your's, El. And after hearing you laugh like that, I knew I wanted to make you laugh as much as I could.' I watched him smile as he continued doodling on his arm; his hand had run out of space. Every time he smiled I died a little more inside. I would never see that smile in person again.

'Liam moved and it wasn't any surprise that I went back to the café alone to find you again. You were always with Sophia, and I assumed it was because she had a crush on Liam and she was lonely since he had moved. I turned out to be right. Sophia was stupidly in love with Liam.' He had always been nice to her, but I remember one instance when he had flat out told her to leave because she was bugging us when he was trying to teach me how to dribble the soccer ball. She left but still pursued him, and he didn't seem to mind. It sure didn't take her long to move on once he left, though.

'Every time I would go, she would be there. I never mined, really. I always got my tea, said a hello to you two, and went to the same chair to read through a book I couldn't have cared less about. I would always sneak glances of you over the tops of the pages or as I was taking a sip of my drink.' He paused and looked up into the camera, and shit, his eyes were only looking prettier as the sun appeared to rise. 'I hope you know that I caught you staring at me too.' He set down the pen on his desk or whatever was in front of him, and he looked off to the side of the camera. 'I can't remember the exact day that I asked for your number, but I remember you were wearing your hair down and curly, and you had a floral printed dress on. You looked so pretty, and I was glad I had picked that day to muster up the balls to ask. You had this smile like you knew today was going to be the day too, and I couldn't believe it. You had predicted exactly what I was going to do.

I remember your face as you typed your number into my phone. You looked confident, and happy. I sat down in Sophia's usual chair as I waited, and I asked where she was. You told me she was sick, and I still feel bad for saying this, but I replied with 'Good'. We ended up talking for two hours, and by the time we left, it was already dark outside. You asked me if I wanted to go to the park, and I said yes.'

That night at the park... If he was going to talk about that, I was going to mute the video. I didn't want to hear it. It hurt me to hear about it. Eleanor told everyone that Louis had felt her up on the twisty slide, and they had done stuff after. I couldn't hear that story again.

'And before you people go and start thinking "Oh, that was that night the Tommo got some", that isn't at all what happened. The real story? We played on the slides, swung a bit, and kissed at midnight. Yeah, that's it. She was sitting on one of the swings, saying how she had to get going soon, and I stood in front of her. I grabbed the chains that were holding it up and I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life. She said something that I can't remember, and I leaned down and kissed her.'

Ugh.

'And I felt nothing.'

What?

'Yeah, there wasn't a spark. No fireworks, no butterflies. Nothing. I was so confused that I had to try more. We kept on kissing, and when you grabbed at my hair and tugged at my shirt, El, I thought I was feeling something. That was false hope, though.

So, yeah. My first kiss wasn't anything extravagant, and yeah, at least I got a girlfriend out of it, but that didn't matter to me. I wasn't unbelievably happy.'

Really? He wasn't happy with the 'prettiest' girl in his grade? That was hard to believe.

'I wasn't unbelievably happy because there was always this thing in the back of my mind. Something that had been messing with me ever since I could remember. What if...' He sighed and shook his head before looking straight into the camera. 'What if I wasn't really into girls?'

Holy shit.

'What if I liked boys?'

Shit, no. No no no no no. This wasn't happening. This was definitely not happening.

'I know, I'll pause for dramatic effect. Or maybe for you to freak out. I'm not sure.'

Or maybe to sob. I clicked the pause button, my vision blurred by tears, and I yanked the headphones from my ears. There was no way this was happening. He hadn't told anyone about his theory. That was the one thing we had with each other. We were the only ones that knew that we were gay.

There was a knock on my door, and before I could get up to lock it, Gemma was already walking in my room. The only thing I could do was minimize the tab with the video playlist and wipe the remainder of my tears away with the sleeve of my jumper. My eyes were probably puffy and red, but I couldn't do anything about that.

"Mom wanted me to come check on you..." She said softly, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm fine, Gemma. I just need to be alone."

"Harry... You have to stop. Louis' in a better place, and everything will go back to normal soon. You just have to give it time." I felt a hand on my back, and I let out a shaky sigh, my eyes wandering over to her. She looked worried, and I shook my head.

"I'm fine, Gem. You don't have to comfort me."

"Okay... If you need anything just," She tapped on the wall behind the desk and smiled, but I knew it was forced, "tap on the wall and I'll be right over, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks Gemma."

"Love you, boo!" She shouted as she walked out of my room.

"Love you too." I mumbled in return, as she closed my door.

There was still a minute left of Eleanor's video, and then there were eleven more after that. Twelve, if you wanted to count the conclusion. It was already seven, and if all of these videos were the same length, this would probably take all night. Amazing.

I expanded the tab and replaced my headphones in my ears before clicking play again.

'Are you done freaking out yet?' He smiled, and it looked real and genuine, and instead of crying, I smiled back. 'Either way, I'm going to continue. There was a rumor that went around that we had 'fooled around' and usually a guy would be happy about a rumor like that, right?'

Right.

'I wasn't.'

Oh.

'It only made me feel guilty. I felt guilty that everyone had this false perception of who I was. Really, I was a nice guy who was a bit confused. In everyone else's mind, I was a sex god.

That's when I became someone that I absolutely hated.' I didn't hate you Lou. I loved you with everything I had. And it wasn't a lot, but I thought it was enough. I guess it wasn't enough to save you, though.

'Well, that was only the start. Who could possibly be next? Guess you'll have to find out in video three.'

He smiled at the camera, and the video ended while I stared at the screen, unsure of what to do or how to react.


	3. Kendall Jenner

‘Kendall Jenner…’

No. Please, no. Anyone but her…

‘Such a pretty girl… Such an ugly personality.’ He paused, and for a moment, I thought he was going to call her a name. A really rude name, like whore or slut, but he hesitated. He remained calm in front of the camera, but he could have been thinking anything in those few seconds he remained silent. Shifting his weight to mostly his left side, he looked down at his lap, bit the inside of his cheek, and then glared at the lens. ‘You’re up.’

“Harry!” A stern voice yelled from the hallway, and an automatic frown grew on my lips. It was my wonderful mother calling for me, undoubtedly for the tenth time. She spoke in this certain tone when she was especially angry, and she was currently using it. “Harry Edward Styles, if you don’t open this door right now I’m going to grab a screwdriver from the shed and gladly let myself in.”

I clicked the video to pause it, minimized the tab, and stood up from my chair, gripping the corner of my desk to steady my body as my vision instantly blurred with black specks. My head felt heavy, and I rested my forehead against the wall until I could see again. Gemma mentioned that it happened to me because I never ate anything, but it used to happen to me before all of this shit. It’s normal.

Once I felt stable enough to take a few steps, I walked over to the door and swung it open, instantly coming face-to-face with my lovely mother. Well, we were almost face-to-face. I nearly towered over her; height was something I had received from my dad.

“Harry, you barely ate at all during dinner, and that’s the fourth time this week that has happened. You need to start eating more.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Gemma and I both agree that you nee-“

“So, my life is controlled by you and Gemma now?”

“Harry,” She wore a disapproving look, and I was ready to slam the door shut to end the conversation. I could feel my blood boiling, and she most likely recognized I was angry. She just wanted to be the one to end this argument though, so she continued, “You can’t live like this.”

“That’s your opinion. If you think I should eat more, then fine. I’ll consider it.”

“Okay, as long as you mean it. That’s all I want to hear.”

I nodded slowly and shut my door again; locking it this time to ensure that she wouldn't be making any surprise visits to my room for the rest of the night. Her footsteps echoed off of the walls as she strode down the hallway, and when I heard the slam of her bedroom door, I pressed play on the video again. Louis’ mouth began to move, and I unplugged my headphones from the computer so his voice quietly flooded my room.

‘Now, after Eleanor and I became a thing… Rumors began. Like I said before, they made me look like I was some kind of man whore. And all I had done was kiss a girl! Who would have thought that kissing a girl more than once would give you this reputation that you wanted to fuck anything with legs? I mean, that was so me, right?’

Wrong, Louis. Wrong wrong wrong.

‘Wrong.

Kissing a girl multiple times does not, in fact, give any sane human teenager the permission to say that this guy is a man whore. But you know what does? Rumors. Sadly, most sane human teenagers are gullible enough to believe any rumor that they hear, and I was lucky enough to share my first kiss with the queen of rumors. Miss Eleanor Calder, I do have to say that you were the cause of this, but Kendall dear, you furthered any speculation that the rumors were true.’

Those rumors all disgusted me. There was one that said that Louis had gone down on Eleanor on a bench in the park. Another one said that they gave each other oral. Thinking about any of them made me sick, to be honest, and the fact that I knew they were all lies… That undeniably kept me sane.

‘If any of you remember sophomore year, you will remember that there were always the craziest parties. I found it funny, since we were all sixteen and yet we thought we were the coolest people in the world.’ He smiled, laughed even, and crinkles formed in the corners of his eyes. His hand flew to his mouth and he covered up his giggle. I wasn't sure why. Just hearing the sound of his giggle could probably cure someone of cancer. A million butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and I bit down on my lip hard. It felt wrong to smile. Louis was gone. This was supposed to be his suicide note, and it definitely wasn’t supposed to make me smile.

‘There was one party that year… It was absolutely ridiculous. I remember wondering how a group of about fifty sophomores could have gotten that much alcohol. Tequila, vodka, beer, and anything else you could imagine sat on these tables in the kitchen. That night was the first night I decided I would drink as much as I could. I had to test my limit someday, right? I might as well get it done early. It had sounded like a good idea at the beginning of the night, but as my vision blurred, and my common sense went down the loo, I-. Well, I couldn't rethink it. I didn't.

After a certain point in the night, I couldn’t see straight. I was walking funny, and I was saying things that made absolutely no sense. Or, at least that’s what other people recall. I had drank so much that I blacked out. According to people that had stayed sober, I was curled up on the couch, staring off into the distance when Miss Kendall Jenner walked over to me. Kendall, I’m sure you remember this, and if you have any problem with what my idea of the story is, you can go ahead and tell the others how it really was. I, on the other hand, will spend the rest of eternity telling the story like this.’

Kendall climbed on top of Louis and they started making out. That’s what Gemma had told me. Louis didn’t initiate it, Kendall did, but he went along with it.

‘Kendall, when you retold the story of our “steamy” make-out session at this party, did you once add the important detail that I asked you what you were doing?’ He had this intense stare, and he looked genuinely mad at Kendall for doing this to him. ‘You climbed on top of me, and I rolled onto my back and asked what you were doing. You told me that you wanted to cuddle, and I said that I was okay with that. No one was ever hurt by cuddling, right? But you didn’t want to really cuddle, did you?’

She obviously didn’t, Louis. She was just trying to take advantage of some guy, and you were the most vulnerable.

‘You began to kiss me, and in my drunken state, I guess I started to kiss you back. Now, I do remember wrapping my arms around your waist, because I remember feeling the pressure of you pressed up against me. However, I think the most vivid memory I have is of you grinding your hips down on mine. You were obviously a bit more experienced with kissing than I was, and fuck Kendall; you were probably really good at it. But you took advantage of me. You knew I was drunk, and you knew that I would go along with whatever you wanted me to do because I couldn't make a correct judgment on what was right and wrong.’

I grabbed the sweater and coat I had been wearing earlier off of the ground and laid them over the back of my desk chair before tugging off my jumper collar-first. The cold air that filled my room hit my bare skin like a typhoon, and it sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn't stay here. As I pulled my arms through the scratchy sleeves of my sweater, I thought about where I could walk to. Was there anywhere that I could really escape to though?

'That could be considered sexual assault, you know. Taking advantage of a person when they're drunk off their ass.'

I unplugged my phone from its charger and stuck my headphones into my pocket. I would finish this video, leave the house unnoticed, and begin the next video as I walk to the park that Louis had been talking about earlier. This house was the last place I wanted to be right now.

'You know when your chest hurts, and your hands shake, and you really can't explain why you're feeling so... panicked?' He looked down at what he had drawn on his hand, then directly at the camera. 'That's what I feel like when I think of you, Kendall. Just thinking back on that night makes me think of all of the possibilities if I had chosen differently. Maybe I would've just gone out in my front yard and practiced my dribbling. Maybe I would've asked out a cute girl or boy out to a movie, if I was feeling ballsy enough. Instead, I chose to attend a stupid party, and I really paid the price for it, didn't I?'

You wouldn't have known that was going to happen when you decided, Louis. It wasn't your fault...

'From what I was told, our make out session was interrupted by the one and only Stanley Lucas.'

Stan was an ass, and still is an ass, and I never understood why Louis was friends with him in the first place. Maybe it was because I saw how stupid and cruel people really were, while Louis always wanted to only see the good in everyone. Or maybe I just don't know anyone well enough to make those judgments in the first place. Oh well.

'Stan grabbed Kendall's shoulder and began to yell. I think he said something like "What are you doing?!" or maybe it was different. I don't know. There were so many people there with different interpretations of it. I still really don't know who and what to believe. In a nutshell, Stan was mad at both Kendall and I, and, at the time, I wasn't sure why.'

Stan had a crush on Kendall. Everyone knew that, including you, Louis. You just weren't thinking straight. You probably forgot.

'Turns out Stan was jealous and pissed off because he wanted Kendall to make out with him and not me, or something. And, to be honest, I really wish she would've gone for him instead of me.'

Yeah, so do I...

'The next week back at school was a tough one. People were coming up to me in the hallways, giving me high fives and pats on the back. All because I had made out with one of the hottest girls at school. How shitty is that? I don't get any attention unless I do something stupid? Ha.'

I sat down in my desk chair again and wiggled the mouse to bring up the bar at the bottom of the video. There was a bit more of the video left, which would give me time to figure out if I wanted to bring money with me or not.

'That Thursday - and I remember it was a Thursday, because we had a game the next day and I was stressing out because we couldn't find the good balls - there was a... strange incident... Um, I...' He looked uncomfortable, which made my heart heavy. He never deserved any of this. He had a heart made of pure kindness and love, and he never would do anything to hurt anyone. He didn't deserve anything that happened to him. 'Well, I had gone into the sport supply closet near the field to check and see if they were in there, and I was unaware that I was joined with some... special company.'

Of course he was. Couldn't girls just leave him alone? And when was this even? Why wasn't I there? I could've saved him or something...

'Now, I'm not going to name any names at the moment, but this particular girl... She was always on top of the newest rumors, and I was assuming that she was there to see if the rumors about me were true. Once she emerged from the back corner of the shed, I already knew.

"Fancy seeing you here," I remember her saying to me.

"Yeah, I'm here a lot because of practice and stuff."

"Is your practice over yet?" She had asked me, and I knew that this wasn't going to be just a friendly conversation as I had originally thought.

"Um, yeah. It is." I replied to her, and she took a step closer to me.

"Oh, well good. I've been meaning to ask you something for a while now..." She said, reaching out and running a hand down my chest. It made me shiver, and she put on this smirk. "I mean, you aren't with Eleanor anymore, so it doesn't really matter..."

"Um... What are you trying to say exactly?" I asked her, and she looked up at me while laughing, moving her hands up to the back of my head. She began to run her fingers through my hair, and I was so terribly lost.

"Oh, come on. You know exactly what I want to do to you. What everyone wants to do to you. They're just too scared to act upon it." At this time, she stopped playing with my hair and instead moved her hands down to the drawstrings of my shorts. Obviously, her hands were very close to a certain body part, and I don't think I have ever been more confused in my life...

"What are you doing?" I clearly remember asking her, because it had been the same thing I had asked Kendall just a few days earlier.

"Oh, come on. Everyone says you have a big one. I just want to see for myself." She winked and I shook my head and pushed her away.

"No no no, I think you've been misinformed. I don't think this is a good idea."

"Sure it is. Come on. Its not like you have to do anything for me. Every guy likes a girl that's willing to get down on her knees and do whatever he asks." It was almost as if she was purring, her words came out so low and seductive, but it didn't affect me. It just made me nervous of what she was willing to try.

"Thanks, but I'm really not interested." I told her, pushing her away from me so I could just get out of there and go home. I managed to get past her, and as I was walking out of the shed, she said something to me that stuck in my mind.

"I thought you were into that shit"

Now, I'm sure there have been many occasions in history where girls have made advances on men, unaware that they weren't exactly into girls. Sure, no one at school knew about my little theory, but, come on. Wasn't it quite obvious?'

Apparently not Louis, because that bitch - whoever she is - tried to take advantage of you.

'Either way, she was in no place to try to do anything to me, and I'm almost certain that if you, Kendall, hadn't made out with me at a crowded party, she wouldn't have gotten this idea that I let random girls have their way with me.' He sighed and his eyes shifted down to stare at his lap. 'I think that was when I realized that I wasn't being viewed as a genuine, nice person anymore. That was really when the change started.... When I began the transformation into someone that I wasn't. All because of rumors. Stupid. Fucking. Rumors.'

The video ended, and I switched off the computer screen. How could that girl do that to Louis? People were so fucking stupid at that school it was insane. Standing from the chair once again, I unlocked my door and headed into the dark hallway, looking down both ways to make sure my sister and mother were in their own rooms. Quietly, I made my way down the stairs and stopped by the front door to slip on a pair of old brown boots. I slowly turned the lever and the door unlocked with a loud click. Instantly I froze in place to make sure no one had heard it. My heart sped up a bit, but soon enough I deemed it safe and continued working on my escape. I twisted the doorknob and pulled the door open slowly. Luckily, the front door didn't creak, and I exited my home without disrupting anyone else inside. Quickly, I strode down the driveway and merged onto the sidewalk. The cold night wind pinched at my cheeks, instantly causing discomfort, though I was willing to put up with it because anything would be better than my house. I carefully pulled my headphones out of my pocket and untangled them. After sticking one end into the hole in my phone, I pulled up my email and clicked on the link I had visited just an hour or so before. It brought me to my YouTube app, and I clicked on the next video in the playlist. It remained black for a moment before Louis' face filled up the tiny screen of my phone. I used my free hand to tug the sleeves of my jacket down as I continued to stroll along the sidewalk.

 

'Stanley Lucas,' Louis said with his amazingly unique voice. 'You're up.'

**Author's Note:**

> twitter - http://twitter.com/mikeysmut
> 
> tumblr - http://swirlycactus.tumblr.com
> 
> thank you again for reading. :-)


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